do-able to enjoyable

Life since Gabe has been born has been quite a series of ups and downs. My emotions have never taken quite a beating like they have this past 6 weeks. (Yes he is six weeks already on tuesday!) The night Gabe was born was one of the best days of my life. Not only because he was a beautiful bundle of joy and he was finally here with us, but also because giving birth to him was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. Painful- but oh so beautiful at the same time! Anyways I was literally like high that night after I gave birth, I could feel joy just overflowing out of me, although I had never been so tired or soar I was beaming and couldn't stop smiling. I stayed up that whole night, tired as I was, and just stared at my sweet boy and recounted in my mind my labor and his birth, and just relished in the moment. As the next 2 days progressed I remained joyful and positive, however the reality of having to go home and face my new larger life started to sink in and a little, just a little, bit of fear set in. Besides the lack of sleep, I actually like being in the hospital after giving birth. People cook and bring you food, clean up after you, and help you take care of you and your baby, as well as anserwing all your questions and worries about your newborn. I missed Grace, but I really didnt want to go home. When we got home the first few days were ok. Josh was home full time, and my mom was there all day and night. Breastfeeding was not going well but I was sticking it out. Josh and my mom took such such great care of me and I was happy. Tired but happy. After that first week home my emotions took a turn for the worse. I would feel sad for no reason, or worse I would think about something that would normally make me happy, like about a friend that was I was expecting a visit from, and I would feel sad instead. It's like my feelings got all turned around in my brain so that when I new I was happy my body instead felt sad. The first time we went to tribe instead of feeling overwhelmed with Joy with how happy to see us everyone was and how great and supportive all our friends were I felt incredible overwhelmed and depressed by the outing. I had read about post-partem blues, and I knew that's what I was experiencing. What really scared me though, was my lack of motivation and hope. I was so overwhelmed with taking care of Grace and Gabe that I didn't want to do it, I would have rather my mom or Josh take care of them, and then of course felt terribly guilty for feeling that way. At my lowest point I even remember feeling the desire to just run away. I wouldn't and of course didnt. It pains me now to write this, it is so shameful to feel that way when you have such a beautiful family to love and who loves you. My feelings just didn't make sense. I loved my kids but couldn't feel that love. Grace and Gabe, if you ever read this, know that it was just my hormones and that you bring me so much joy and happiness and that your existence is not only the biggest blessing in my life, but gives me purpose in life. I am who I am, largely in part because of you two! But I did have those feelings, and really was so embarrased to be feeling that way, I hadn't heard of any other young moms ever struggling like that and just felt frusterated with myself that I had this perfect sweet baby and an amazing little girl at home and yet was so miserable! Well things started to get better, I talked about my feelings a lot and cried A LOT. (Both to my bff and hubby who never tired of my tears, woes, fits, and meltdowns.) I quit breastfeeding twice, hoping that it was the source of my emotions, but each time I decided to stick it out another week to see if things got better on their own. I really wanted breastfeeding to be the reason I was feeling so unlike myself because I needed to be able to fix how I was feeling. I know how precious time is and I didn't want to be waisting this special time, the beginning of Gabe's life, feeling deppressed and sad. Things did get better on their own. I started to have less sad moments, I had visits from friends and felt refreshed and happy afterwards. And I started to fall in love with Gabe and once again enjoy my beautiful daughter. Earlier this week I blogged about how I had small victories, i.e getting the kids to sleep at the same time. It was my first week "on my own" - meaning without someone here helping me while Josh was at work. Life was starting to be do-able. By Friday though, I had a BIG victory in that I was actually enjoying taking care of them bymyself! Not that I am not still welcome to help, I love it and need it. But I love being a mom and taking care of both Grace and Gabe. And that seems silly to even say, but for me and all i've been through this past month it is such a relief to finally feel like myself again and enjoying life!