Some more blog therapy

I keep going back and forth between daydreaming of the future. Even just six months down the road; when Gabe will be sitting up, he can play with a toy byhimself for a little while, eat some food and give his mama a break from oh so frequent feedings, and hopefully be sleeping through the night. Some moments I live there. hanging on to the promise of life returning to normal again. Sleep, a clean house, time to talk to my husband, time to shower. But then I think; my precious babies are changing so much every day. Grace is adorable and fun and everyday cracks me up and surprises me with sharing her cute almost three year old thoughts. And I look at Gabe and think of how quicker than I can imagine he will be a three year old. I wont be able to hold him whenever I want, or kiss his cute little nose. It's funny how before your second child is born you can't imagine loving anyone as much as your first, but when your second arrives your heart really just does make room, or grows, however you want to look at it. I remember now, feeling this way with Grace, this baby love. It is so fun, it's like when you first start dating someone. I am falling in love with him. Today I enjoyed the fact that he is so enamored with my face. All he wants to be entertained is for me to talk to him. He doesn't smile at toys or the T.V just a loving face, and I love that that is all he needs. So I am in this weird state of joy and survival. The past two days I have had very ugly moments where a crying baby mixed with a nagging toddler caused me to lose my cool and yell at Grace. The sad/scared look on her poor little face, caused me an extreme amount of mommy guilt- which I just tossed onto the pile I was already carrying around due to my inability to maintain a clean house, get dinner on the table or remember to get my husband an anniversary card. The house and dinner can go to the trash, I care but not as much as I do about being a good mommy to Grace. I decided I need to do two things. One - put her in time out when she mis-behaves. That way I don't get frusterated and mad, the problem is taken care of minus my emotions. Two- do one thing for myself each day and get out of the house once a week kiddo free. You can ask me how this turns out later. Today I am blogging right now instead of cleaning and tomorrow I am going somewhere without the kiddos, haven't decided where, but I'm doing it- and ordered by josh - guilt free. Sometimes right now I feel like I am just barely hanging on, barely surviving- but I love the things God is teaching me; about sacrafice, love, family, joy, friendship, and trusting him. Oh what a season this is!