Grace Quote of the Week

After she's spent her three minutes in time out I ask Grace to come to me and tell me w'hat she is supposed to be doing. (The correct answer is putting her toys in her play room). Grace's response in a pouty lip voice: "I'm s'possed to be sorry."

Some more blog therapy

I keep going back and forth between daydreaming of the future. Even just six months down the road; when Gabe will be sitting up, he can play with a toy byhimself for a little while, eat some food and give his mama a break from oh so frequent feedings, and hopefully be sleeping through the night. Some moments I live there. hanging on to the promise of life returning to normal again. Sleep, a clean house, time to talk to my husband, time to shower. But then I think; my precious babies are changing so much every day. Grace is adorable and fun and everyday cracks me up and surprises me with sharing her cute almost three year old thoughts. And I look at Gabe and think of how quicker than I can imagine he will be a three year old. I wont be able to hold him whenever I want, or kiss his cute little nose. It's funny how before your second child is born you can't imagine loving anyone as much as your first, but when your second arrives your heart really just does make room, or grows, however you want to look at it. I remember now, feeling this way with Grace, this baby love. It is so fun, it's like when you first start dating someone. I am falling in love with him. Today I enjoyed the fact that he is so enamored with my face. All he wants to be entertained is for me to talk to him. He doesn't smile at toys or the T.V just a loving face, and I love that that is all he needs. So I am in this weird state of joy and survival. The past two days I have had very ugly moments where a crying baby mixed with a nagging toddler caused me to lose my cool and yell at Grace. The sad/scared look on her poor little face, caused me an extreme amount of mommy guilt- which I just tossed onto the pile I was already carrying around due to my inability to maintain a clean house, get dinner on the table or remember to get my husband an anniversary card. The house and dinner can go to the trash, I care but not as much as I do about being a good mommy to Grace. I decided I need to do two things. One - put her in time out when she mis-behaves. That way I don't get frusterated and mad, the problem is taken care of minus my emotions. Two- do one thing for myself each day and get out of the house once a week kiddo free. You can ask me how this turns out later. Today I am blogging right now instead of cleaning and tomorrow I am going somewhere without the kiddos, haven't decided where, but I'm doing it- and ordered by josh - guilt free. Sometimes right now I feel like I am just barely hanging on, barely surviving- but I love the things God is teaching me; about sacrafice, love, family, joy, friendship, and trusting him. Oh what a season this is!

Highs and Lows

High -managed to take a shower every day this week
Low- when I turn around quickly I get a whiff of myself and I almost always smell like spit up

High- Went on my first wog yesterday (thanks Jenna for the term) it went considerably well
Low- still haven't lost enought weight to fit into non maternity shorts and Gabe pooped on my only fitting pair this morning - hot all day long

Low- Gabe is growing/cluster feeding AKA eating ALL THE TIME
High- He's considerate enough to only eat every hour during the day and is still sleeping for three at a time at night

High- Fountains today were fun!
Low- I've had dishes in the sink for three days

High- I barely have time to pee with how often Gabe is eating
Low- instead of peeing at the moment I'm blogging??......

Low- I'm really tired
High- I'm now beyond normal tired, and into that middle school girl staying up all night at a friends house tired where everything makes me giggle. (Currently giggling at myself)

do-able to enjoyable

Life since Gabe has been born has been quite a series of ups and downs. My emotions have never taken quite a beating like they have this past 6 weeks. (Yes he is six weeks already on tuesday!) The night Gabe was born was one of the best days of my life. Not only because he was a beautiful bundle of joy and he was finally here with us, but also because giving birth to him was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. Painful- but oh so beautiful at the same time! Anyways I was literally like high that night after I gave birth, I could feel joy just overflowing out of me, although I had never been so tired or soar I was beaming and couldn't stop smiling. I stayed up that whole night, tired as I was, and just stared at my sweet boy and recounted in my mind my labor and his birth, and just relished in the moment. As the next 2 days progressed I remained joyful and positive, however the reality of having to go home and face my new larger life started to sink in and a little, just a little, bit of fear set in. Besides the lack of sleep, I actually like being in the hospital after giving birth. People cook and bring you food, clean up after you, and help you take care of you and your baby, as well as anserwing all your questions and worries about your newborn. I missed Grace, but I really didnt want to go home. When we got home the first few days were ok. Josh was home full time, and my mom was there all day and night. Breastfeeding was not going well but I was sticking it out. Josh and my mom took such such great care of me and I was happy. Tired but happy. After that first week home my emotions took a turn for the worse. I would feel sad for no reason, or worse I would think about something that would normally make me happy, like about a friend that was I was expecting a visit from, and I would feel sad instead. It's like my feelings got all turned around in my brain so that when I new I was happy my body instead felt sad. The first time we went to tribe instead of feeling overwhelmed with Joy with how happy to see us everyone was and how great and supportive all our friends were I felt incredible overwhelmed and depressed by the outing. I had read about post-partem blues, and I knew that's what I was experiencing. What really scared me though, was my lack of motivation and hope. I was so overwhelmed with taking care of Grace and Gabe that I didn't want to do it, I would have rather my mom or Josh take care of them, and then of course felt terribly guilty for feeling that way. At my lowest point I even remember feeling the desire to just run away. I wouldn't and of course didnt. It pains me now to write this, it is so shameful to feel that way when you have such a beautiful family to love and who loves you. My feelings just didn't make sense. I loved my kids but couldn't feel that love. Grace and Gabe, if you ever read this, know that it was just my hormones and that you bring me so much joy and happiness and that your existence is not only the biggest blessing in my life, but gives me purpose in life. I am who I am, largely in part because of you two! But I did have those feelings, and really was so embarrased to be feeling that way, I hadn't heard of any other young moms ever struggling like that and just felt frusterated with myself that I had this perfect sweet baby and an amazing little girl at home and yet was so miserable! Well things started to get better, I talked about my feelings a lot and cried A LOT. (Both to my bff and hubby who never tired of my tears, woes, fits, and meltdowns.) I quit breastfeeding twice, hoping that it was the source of my emotions, but each time I decided to stick it out another week to see if things got better on their own. I really wanted breastfeeding to be the reason I was feeling so unlike myself because I needed to be able to fix how I was feeling. I know how precious time is and I didn't want to be waisting this special time, the beginning of Gabe's life, feeling deppressed and sad. Things did get better on their own. I started to have less sad moments, I had visits from friends and felt refreshed and happy afterwards. And I started to fall in love with Gabe and once again enjoy my beautiful daughter. Earlier this week I blogged about how I had small victories, i.e getting the kids to sleep at the same time. It was my first week "on my own" - meaning without someone here helping me while Josh was at work. Life was starting to be do-able. By Friday though, I had a BIG victory in that I was actually enjoying taking care of them bymyself! Not that I am not still welcome to help, I love it and need it. But I love being a mom and taking care of both Grace and Gabe. And that seems silly to even say, but for me and all i've been through this past month it is such a relief to finally feel like myself again and enjoying life!

Small Victories

Handsome boy with handsome daddy

Asleep after a full day at the beach

Catching fish at the fair

Lovin the beach!

Sleeping in his swing

I am learning that having two kids is about achieving small victories. Today my mom came over in the morning to help me out, and I had a list of things I wanted to get done. Unfortunately even the best help covers less ground these days and I was only able to do one thing on my list and get a quick shower in. So I was a little discouraged when my mom had to leave (with me and not getting things done- not with my mom) However! after she left I had both kids asleep AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost sat down and blogged about it then because I was so excited but instead I cleaned all three toilets and put away laundry. That seems silly and small but the fact that a. they were both happy and asleep b. I had energy enough that I didn't need a nap and c. I got some chores done made me so ecstatic and proud! This two kids thing is still rough.....really rough, but I am finally seeing that it's possible! yea for small victories!