Grace Quote of the Week

After she's spent her three minutes in time out I ask Grace to come to me and tell me w'hat she is supposed to be doing. (The correct answer is putting her toys in her play room). Grace's response in a pouty lip voice: "I'm s'possed to be sorry."

Some more blog therapy

I keep going back and forth between daydreaming of the future. Even just six months down the road; when Gabe will be sitting up, he can play with a toy byhimself for a little while, eat some food and give his mama a break from oh so frequent feedings, and hopefully be sleeping through the night. Some moments I live there. hanging on to the promise of life returning to normal again. Sleep, a clean house, time to talk to my husband, time to shower. But then I think; my precious babies are changing so much every day. Grace is adorable and fun and everyday cracks me up and surprises me with sharing her cute almost three year old thoughts. And I look at Gabe and think of how quicker than I can imagine he will be a three year old. I wont be able to hold him whenever I want, or kiss his cute little nose. It's funny how before your second child is born you can't imagine loving anyone as much as your first, but when your second arrives your heart really just does make room, or grows, however you want to look at it. I remember now, feeling this way with Grace, this baby love. It is so fun, it's like when you first start dating someone. I am falling in love with him. Today I enjoyed the fact that he is so enamored with my face. All he wants to be entertained is for me to talk to him. He doesn't smile at toys or the T.V just a loving face, and I love that that is all he needs. So I am in this weird state of joy and survival. The past two days I have had very ugly moments where a crying baby mixed with a nagging toddler caused me to lose my cool and yell at Grace. The sad/scared look on her poor little face, caused me an extreme amount of mommy guilt- which I just tossed onto the pile I was already carrying around due to my inability to maintain a clean house, get dinner on the table or remember to get my husband an anniversary card. The house and dinner can go to the trash, I care but not as much as I do about being a good mommy to Grace. I decided I need to do two things. One - put her in time out when she mis-behaves. That way I don't get frusterated and mad, the problem is taken care of minus my emotions. Two- do one thing for myself each day and get out of the house once a week kiddo free. You can ask me how this turns out later. Today I am blogging right now instead of cleaning and tomorrow I am going somewhere without the kiddos, haven't decided where, but I'm doing it- and ordered by josh - guilt free. Sometimes right now I feel like I am just barely hanging on, barely surviving- but I love the things God is teaching me; about sacrafice, love, family, joy, friendship, and trusting him. Oh what a season this is!

Highs and Lows

High -managed to take a shower every day this week
Low- when I turn around quickly I get a whiff of myself and I almost always smell like spit up

High- Went on my first wog yesterday (thanks Jenna for the term) it went considerably well
Low- still haven't lost enought weight to fit into non maternity shorts and Gabe pooped on my only fitting pair this morning - hot all day long

Low- Gabe is growing/cluster feeding AKA eating ALL THE TIME
High- He's considerate enough to only eat every hour during the day and is still sleeping for three at a time at night

High- Fountains today were fun!
Low- I've had dishes in the sink for three days

High- I barely have time to pee with how often Gabe is eating
Low- instead of peeing at the moment I'm blogging??......

Low- I'm really tired
High- I'm now beyond normal tired, and into that middle school girl staying up all night at a friends house tired where everything makes me giggle. (Currently giggling at myself)

do-able to enjoyable

Life since Gabe has been born has been quite a series of ups and downs. My emotions have never taken quite a beating like they have this past 6 weeks. (Yes he is six weeks already on tuesday!) The night Gabe was born was one of the best days of my life. Not only because he was a beautiful bundle of joy and he was finally here with us, but also because giving birth to him was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had. Painful- but oh so beautiful at the same time! Anyways I was literally like high that night after I gave birth, I could feel joy just overflowing out of me, although I had never been so tired or soar I was beaming and couldn't stop smiling. I stayed up that whole night, tired as I was, and just stared at my sweet boy and recounted in my mind my labor and his birth, and just relished in the moment. As the next 2 days progressed I remained joyful and positive, however the reality of having to go home and face my new larger life started to sink in and a little, just a little, bit of fear set in. Besides the lack of sleep, I actually like being in the hospital after giving birth. People cook and bring you food, clean up after you, and help you take care of you and your baby, as well as anserwing all your questions and worries about your newborn. I missed Grace, but I really didnt want to go home. When we got home the first few days were ok. Josh was home full time, and my mom was there all day and night. Breastfeeding was not going well but I was sticking it out. Josh and my mom took such such great care of me and I was happy. Tired but happy. After that first week home my emotions took a turn for the worse. I would feel sad for no reason, or worse I would think about something that would normally make me happy, like about a friend that was I was expecting a visit from, and I would feel sad instead. It's like my feelings got all turned around in my brain so that when I new I was happy my body instead felt sad. The first time we went to tribe instead of feeling overwhelmed with Joy with how happy to see us everyone was and how great and supportive all our friends were I felt incredible overwhelmed and depressed by the outing. I had read about post-partem blues, and I knew that's what I was experiencing. What really scared me though, was my lack of motivation and hope. I was so overwhelmed with taking care of Grace and Gabe that I didn't want to do it, I would have rather my mom or Josh take care of them, and then of course felt terribly guilty for feeling that way. At my lowest point I even remember feeling the desire to just run away. I wouldn't and of course didnt. It pains me now to write this, it is so shameful to feel that way when you have such a beautiful family to love and who loves you. My feelings just didn't make sense. I loved my kids but couldn't feel that love. Grace and Gabe, if you ever read this, know that it was just my hormones and that you bring me so much joy and happiness and that your existence is not only the biggest blessing in my life, but gives me purpose in life. I am who I am, largely in part because of you two! But I did have those feelings, and really was so embarrased to be feeling that way, I hadn't heard of any other young moms ever struggling like that and just felt frusterated with myself that I had this perfect sweet baby and an amazing little girl at home and yet was so miserable! Well things started to get better, I talked about my feelings a lot and cried A LOT. (Both to my bff and hubby who never tired of my tears, woes, fits, and meltdowns.) I quit breastfeeding twice, hoping that it was the source of my emotions, but each time I decided to stick it out another week to see if things got better on their own. I really wanted breastfeeding to be the reason I was feeling so unlike myself because I needed to be able to fix how I was feeling. I know how precious time is and I didn't want to be waisting this special time, the beginning of Gabe's life, feeling deppressed and sad. Things did get better on their own. I started to have less sad moments, I had visits from friends and felt refreshed and happy afterwards. And I started to fall in love with Gabe and once again enjoy my beautiful daughter. Earlier this week I blogged about how I had small victories, i.e getting the kids to sleep at the same time. It was my first week "on my own" - meaning without someone here helping me while Josh was at work. Life was starting to be do-able. By Friday though, I had a BIG victory in that I was actually enjoying taking care of them bymyself! Not that I am not still welcome to help, I love it and need it. But I love being a mom and taking care of both Grace and Gabe. And that seems silly to even say, but for me and all i've been through this past month it is such a relief to finally feel like myself again and enjoying life!

Small Victories

Handsome boy with handsome daddy

Asleep after a full day at the beach

Catching fish at the fair

Lovin the beach!

Sleeping in his swing

I am learning that having two kids is about achieving small victories. Today my mom came over in the morning to help me out, and I had a list of things I wanted to get done. Unfortunately even the best help covers less ground these days and I was only able to do one thing on my list and get a quick shower in. So I was a little discouraged when my mom had to leave (with me and not getting things done- not with my mom) However! after she left I had both kids asleep AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost sat down and blogged about it then because I was so excited but instead I cleaned all three toilets and put away laundry. That seems silly and small but the fact that a. they were both happy and asleep b. I had energy enough that I didn't need a nap and c. I got some chores done made me so ecstatic and proud! This two kids thing is still rough.....really rough, but I am finally seeing that it's possible! yea for small victories!

Falling more in love

I've been wanting to brag on my hubby a little bit for a while now, but haven't had the time or energy to blog much! Gabe turns one month old on tuesday and boy has it been quite a month! I have never been so overwhelmed, happy, sad, filled with love and tired in my life- more of my feelings I will write about later, but basically I've been somewhat of a mess. My emotions have really been affected by my hormones since having Gabe and Josh has truly been my life line and my rock. There have been times this past month where I've felt like I was drowning, like I didn't know which way was up and have had to literally cling with both hands to both Jesus and my husband in order to stay afloat. I know it sounds weird to put Jesus and my husband right next to each other, but it's the truth. In my heart I've clung to Christ and physically and emotionally my husband has kept me afloat. He's been patient with my meltdowns and constant tears and given me all the love and encoragement I need even though he's also tired and run down. He's always been supportive but it's been since the night before Gabe was born where Josh really stepped in and has filled in for where I am not able right now and then some. The day before Gabe was born I had contractions all day, and so that night I wanted to get his room all done, pack our bags, clean the bathrooms ect. but was way too tired to complete all those tasks, so Josh did them.......ALL of them. And I knew he was tired too so I didn't even ask him! He almost brought me to tears when I caught him cleaning the toilet without being asked!!!

Then of course, he was amazingly supportive while I was in labor. I could look in his eyes and find the confidence I needed to pull through. When we got home from the hospital I became seriously overwhelmed with breastfeeding troubles, missing spending time with Grace, and postpardem blues. Josh kicked it into full gear; I think I changed my first diaper (grace's or gabes) days after we came home, he brought me water, food, made me nap, let me take baths, and wouldn't leave or enter the room without asking me if I needed anything. When I was totally overwhelmed and ready to give up nursing Gabe Josh was reading breastfeeding books to help me solve my problems. He's bent over backward and then some to make sure that I am comfortable and happy. More then doing things for me has been the way that Josh has never tired of my tears, and brought me back to reality when I couldn't see the light at the end of this sleepless tunnel. He's always been a great husband and dad but I've fallen even more in love with him recently and can't explain how blessed I am by the man that he is!

I love you sweetie! (Hope this doesn't embarrass you too much!)

kids at heart

Yesterday we ventured out of our house for a full day of fun. (We've only been out of the house substantially for a handful of times since baby gabe has come into our lives)

We started with Tribe, which was great as always. Then went to papa and grammy's for a quick (unfortunately quick) nap and then off to the Linn County Fair. The last show at the fair was a band that Josh and I happen to love. Hawk Nelson was the first concert that Josh and I went to when we were dating, and one of their songs was "our song" so mushy I know! But anyways they were playing so we decided to head out and go on our first full day out. Grace had a blast looking at all the animals, jumping in the bouncy house with Ellie who we ran into and dancing her little booty off at the concert. Yes both our children enjoyed their first rock concert, it was a fun family outing. And I have to say that Josh and I may be destined (at a later less crazy less sleep deprived time in our life) to do youth ministry together. First of all there was no one at this concert even close to our age. It was basically all tweenagers and their parents. And while we were standing there very grown up like kind of bobbing our heads while holding our kids we both later confessed that in our hearts we were up front crowd surfing and dancing around with all the 12 year olds!! :)